In view of who you really are, a magnificent and unlimited eternal being, there is never a time when disapproval makes any sense. Growing up, those who were disconnected from that truth used disapproval to condition us to behave in ways that made them feel good. Much of it was well meaning but still any disapproval is fear based and a symptom of forgetting how amazing and magnificent we are.
We could go through all the reasons those that raised us and taught us and led us used disapproval of our behavior to manipulate us into doing what they thought was right, appropriate, safe or easier for them. The problem now is that we have internalized that disapproval and made it our own. Even when we deny it, if it shows up it is a reflection of what is inside our own belief system.
What we need to do is stop fearing disapproval. Maybe fear is too strong a word but having stress because of it is actually a fear based response. The stress of disapproval can show up with feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, loss of sleep, changing our behavior, avoiding what we truly want to do and the list goes on and on. It is clear that being immune to disapproval would make life more wonderful. The nice thing about being immune to disapproval is that when you truly don’t let disapproval affect you then people disapproving of you don’t show up in your experience.
In order to give practical methods to get to this lovely state of being let’s give examples of how this works. You are invited to a bridal shower of the daughter of a friend. The sense of obligation to go sets in but you don’t know the daughter well and really don’t like to go to showers in general. You would rather do something else that interests you on that day or perhaps just take a day to relax.
The thought of not going to the shower makes you feel uneasy and you fear you may hurt someone’s feelings or they may get upset with you. The thought of going makes you feel a little resentful and you feel trapped because you really don’t see how you can get out of it.
Many would say that you are obligated and just go and get it over with. This is the tip of the iceberg of what makes your life less than what you want it to be. If you allow others to make rules about where or when you should go places and what you should do it can become an invisible prison that keeps you from enjoying your life fully.
The key phrase is that you allow it. Just becoming aware that you allow it and that you have a choice and that there are no true obligations is sometimes all a person needs to release the stress. There are so many things we have grown up with and have been taught that we don’t question. Sometimes questioning why is also all you need.
If you don’t go to the shower nothing bad will happen in the world. If someone chooses to have their feelings hurt then the key word is they chose it. You are not responsible for that choice. If you incur disapproval from others here is where you have to accept your part in the creation. If at any point in time someone disapproves of you in your life it is always because you disapprove of what you are doing. You may have a little guilt about it. You may expect disapproval. You may feel that you would be hurt if someone didn’t come to your shower.
Now that you have owned your attraction of said disapproval you can deactivate that button or a bunch of buttons. Sometimes just realizing that you are the source of your experience is all you need. Most times a little talk with your inner self is in order. As an emotion comes up that you don’t like or want to get rid of ask yourself what is the belief that allows you to choose this emotion.
The belief behind being obligated to go to a shower is fairly simple to get rid of. Bridal Showers are an arbitrary and unnecessary function that has origins that don’t go that far back in our history and don’t show up in all cultures. It is supposed to be a supportive gesture for a new couple starting out and it is completely a gift from the heart when the heart is inspired. There is nothing obligatory about it and no detriment to anyone if you don’t attend.
As an adult most of us are in the position that we can no longer be physically hurt or financially hurt by another person disapproving of us. This revelation is actually very freeing. If you do something that another person disapproves of they are not going to beat you up, put you in prison or fine you. This is true in this situation and most of our social obligation situations. Again, just realizing this is sometimes enough to release the negative emotion you are choosing.
The other fear is that disapproval will result in the loss of love of the other person. The button or erroneous belief is that the love of another is dependent on you behaving in a pleasing and acceptable way. If you have to stand on your head for love then that isn’t love anyway. Realizing that you can’t lose love you never had by behaving in acceptable ways is also sometimes enough for you to release your need for approval.
If that scares you and you feel you don’t have enough love in your life and can’t afford to lose the “love” or approval of a particular person then we have another issue to work on. In order to truly experience the love of another you have to love yourself first. There are many who have never experienced unconditional love, and really the only way to do that is to cultivate it personally and spiritually.
It is a rare parent who can truly express unconditional love all the time since most of them are dealing with their own issues and buttons. On the other hand you have to start somewhere and so imagining that your parents thought the world of you, if they didn’t, and remembering times when they did helps create the experience internally. If you have experienced loving a child or pet, evoking that feeling for yourself as often as you can is also a plus.
The internal self-talk that you engage in is also another way to work on cultivating love for yourself. Many of us disapprove of ourselves more than anyone else disapproves of us. This is a habit that can be broken. As soon as you start doing that thing that you do and beat up on yourself for doing something or not doing something, stop and remember you are magnificent, unlimited and eternal. You are lovable, loving and loved by God, Divine Intelligence and the Universe. Whatever you call it that Source of “all that is” loves you unconditionally and thinks the world of you.
It may feel as if you are making up this loving conversation with yourself at first but if you practice saying loving things to yourself at some point it will become natural. While you are practicing loving self-talk you will also have to uproot judgments. It is the implanted judgments that keep you from fully realizing love. That doesn’t mean you eliminate your preferences and desires but rather you don’t judge others and yourself. Every person is doing the best that they can, including you, no matter what you think at this time.
Removing judgment is also a process that takes practice. Remembering that you are magnificent can only truly be mastered when you remember that about everyone else. That doesn’t mean you accept behavior you don’t enjoy but you don’t judge the person. You can have strong preferences without judging. It’s like enjoying steak but not chicken. That doesn’t make the chicken wrong.
Realizing that you are the creator and attractor of all that you experience helps you to not judge others or yourself. Taking full responsibility for your experiences no matter how it looks without blaming yourself of others is an important step. In order to change the experiences you are having in life for the better you have to gently understand you are learning how to use your magnificent mind. Just as you wouldn’t get mad at a toddler falling as they learned to walk, be patient with yourself as you master the power of your mind.
Lastly you may have to realize that you are using the excuse of disapproval to continue doing what you are doing because you fear doing what you truly want to do. Be patient with yourself as you do all the practicing to think good thoughts about yourself and love yourself you will find the inspiration to start doing what it is you truly want to do.
Until you master your mind when you find your emotions are stronger than your ability to think differently or you find your thoughts running away from you in worry or guilt or anger or fear there are techniques that are helpful.
- A planned affirmation which is a statement that you repeat in your head that is positive.
- EFT, emotional freedom technique, which is a tapping technique that helps diminish the emotional charge. Demonstrations of this are found on youtube.com for free
- Guided imagery audio that you can listen to on your ipod and can be purchased from many websites. My favorite is from www.abraham-hicks.com http://www.abraham-hickslawofattraction.com/lawofattractionstore/product/GM-1.html
- Meditation, of which there are many techniques too numerous to mention but having taken many courses the bottom line is you can’t do it wrong. Transcendental Meditation, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer are good sources to google. Bill Harris at www.centerpointe.com has great technology to help you get to the meditation state with ease
- Self-hypnosis, see above plus Joe Vitale and Steve G. Jones
- Traditional Chinese Medicine breathing technique where you just focus on the act of breathing at any time during the day. Putting your attention on breathing immediately relaxes you and takes the charge out of the emotion. Practice doing it whenever you think about it and certainly every time you have a negative emotion.
Enjoy your magnificent, unlimited and spectacular self, life and amazing future of nows unfolding perfectly.