I had this insight recently about myself. Actually the only insight I can actually have is about myself and that is for another blog post…lol. Now back to the recent insight about giving. I realized that I have been giving for many of the wrong reasons, and compensating for the lack of inspiration with 1000 techniques for stress free living and centering and blah blah blah…then teaching them to others to hopefully prevent them from being uncompensated or stressed or whatever they are creating.
All very crafty of my subconscious to make me believe that I had it figured out…lol. Then to reinforce it but having me giving more around this teaching to justify my life. Oh how passionately I cling to my beliefs and practices in a very seemingly loving way…lol. Don’t get me wrong, I am not being self critical, nor am I giving up my beliefs, but rather I am having self discovery. I also believe I am loving and my ultimate goal and most treasured experience is unconditional love.
There is a subtle lure to giving and I realize that it was easy for me to see that giving out of obligation didn’t serve me. I tackled that first and patted myself on the back when I wrestled that one to the ground. Occasionally it still sneaks in but it is weak and I usually don’t have much of a fight to eliminate it. It is the other reason for giving that sucks the authentic and passionate life out of me.
It isn’t really the giving that drains me but rather the underlying subconscious lie that all the giving hides. Very crafty, that subconscious. This isn’t about not giving but rather how not facing the lie makes the giving drain my life force instead of its own reward.
You see if I am always the one who gives and never receives then I feel worthy, even “more evolved” and if anyone has an issue with me then I can personally look at my own scorecard even though I don’t keep one but it’s there somewhere and feel justified. I didn’t even think I was still doing justifying stuff.
Also if I am always giving then I will never be disappointed by what someone gives me, they don’t get a chance to try. I have the upper hand, at least in my mind, as well. If I allowed them to give then I might be disappointed or obligated. We can’t have obligation because I thought I wrestled that one to the ground…lol.
Then, of course, because I am a “positive” person I would have to deal with not getting what I want in my clever processing way so that I feel happy again. Of course I still didn’t get what I want…lol. Scarier still is to have an actual conversation admitting all was not exactly well.
I was judging not getting what I want as wrong or negative instead of just a step, giving me clarity, and a place for discovery and sharing communication with another being. I was also making it more difficult for me to give unless I made it an enormous effort so there was no room for failure. What happens to me is that unless I am really motivated I don’t even get involved in the project. I label it not my passion or inspiration and it’s off my plate.
I am not stressed anymore, and haven’t been for over 20 years. I have an enormous amount of relaxed space in my life but without the true giving and authentic interaction with everyone, the space becomes boring and stale. I didn’t realize that this subtle lie that “I don’t want to disappoint” and “I don’t want to be disappointed” was running the show.
Even though intellectually I know better, I didn’t see it and because it isolates you and makes it difficult to even consider another person’s opinion, it is crafty. It’s not that I don’t have great friends and family that love me and hang out with me. There is no end to the level of fun and joy and love and I couldn’t get to the next level because they were sort of stopped at the moat outside the castle…lol.
To even admit this is big for me, and the funny thing is that everyone I authentically share it with already realized it about me…lol. I was absolutely unwilling to see it but now that I realize how crafty I can be, I am on to me. I thought not allowing anyone else’s opinion to be important to me was self actualized. I realize that their opinion should not affect how I love myself unconditionally, and must be cross checked against my own knowings and beliefs but it has worth, at least from someone you care about.
Actually listening, truly listening, without the agenda to contribute or defend allows me to see the places where I am not allowing for limitless living. I am amazed by how blessed I am to have a world full of over 7 billion people who can all teach me something. I am blessed to have family, friends, coworkers and others who are brilliant in their unique ways and shine their brilliance on my life every day.
I was grateful before, now the appreciation has reached a level of profound moving appreciation and I am excited for the next level of living. I am excited to learn from everyone now. I am excited that I have a ton to discover. I am excited about how the next aha moment will feel. I am excited, so excited and also at peace. As Abraham Hicks says “you can’t get it wrong and your never get it done”.
Life is a fabulous ride and if it’s boring, then maybe your crafty subconscious is running the show. It is probably still running some of my show but I have opened the door to discovery and it means connecting authentically to other people. I want to give a huge thanks to the Landmark Forum program for this level of profound appreciation and discovery.